


Stepping Towards the Future

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-15 18:27:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13036908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: A surprise attack that almost kills Chakotay has repercussions for our Command team, with a little help from Tom Paris. Fic 101 prompt 57 Fear.





	Stepping Towards the Future

Tom cleared away the last of the instruments and moved over to the Doctor’s side. “I’ve had Dell and Roger’s bodies beamed to the morgue. Do you want me to stay and assist with the autopsies?”

If it was possible for a hologram to look weary then that was how the Doctor looked now. “No, thank you, Mr Paris. I’ll see to them tomorrow.” He shook his head sadly then moved towards his office. “Now that the Commander and Ensign Kim are stable, I’ll finish up the reports then send them to the Captain. I’m sure she’d appreciate an update.”

“If you like, I can take them to her, Doc. I’d like to check on her.”

“Stepping into the Commander’s shoes, Mr Paris?”

“No. There’s not much chance of that, but I’m worried about her. Did you see how she looked when she was in here earlier?”

“I was a little busy trying to stop the Commander from exsanguinating all over my sickbay. I’ll take your word for it though. She takes incidents like this to heart, particularly where the Commander is concerned.” The Doctor picked up a padd from his desk, and then looked up at Tom again. “I think that is an inspired idea to check on her under the guise of bringing the reports. Good thinking Mr Paris, and if you can, make sure she’s had something to eat and isn’t overdosing on caffeine. You know what she’s like.”

Tom nodded. “Sure thing.” He took one last look at the sleeping figures of Harry and Chakotay. “Do you need me for anything else, Doc?”

“No. Everything is under control. You go and get some rest, Lieutenant. I’ll send the reports through to you as soon as they’re done.”

Tom swung around and moved towards the doors.

“Mr Paris.”

He turned back towards the EMH.

“You did good work today. I wouldn’t have been able to save them both if you hadn’t been here. Thank you.”

Tom blinked, surprised by the praise. It was a stark reminder of just how close they’d come to losing them. An eerie tremor ran through him. Just the thought of what those losses would do to the crew – and to the captain, he amended – didn’t bear thinking about. Again he nodded to the Doctor. “Thanks, Doc. We were lucky today. It could have been a lot worse.”

The Doctor gave him a grim smile and turned back towards his workstation.

Tom walked slowly up the corridor to the lifts – his feet carrying him to B’Elanna’s door. He needed to touch base with life and B’E was nothing, if not full of life? He needed to feel human and real again. These close encounters with death and destruction were getting old, fast. How much longer would they be subjected to this? It was almost too much sometimes. They’d lost two crewmen this afternoon and had almost lost Harry and Chakotay.

The attack had come out of nowhere.

They’d been in the middle of Alpha shift, sailing along, in what was supposed to be a peaceful sector of space, when all of a sudden the bridge exploded around them. They were flung from their seats and tossed like rag dolls from one end of the bridge to the other. There’d been no warning. The attacking ship hadn’t even shown up on sensors until it was on top of them. In the same instant as it dropped out of warp, it fired a lethal barrage and then disappeared. It took all of five seconds for their lives to be irrevocably changed. Dell and Rogers had been killed instantly and Harry and Chakotay had been grievously wounded. In fact, Chakotay wasn’t breathing when he was beamed to sickbay. He’d been hit by a piece of exploded console and it had severed his carotid artery. Tom closed his eyes briefly. There’d been blood everywhere. The Captain had leapt on him, holding her hand over the pulsing wound as she called for an emergency transport to sickbay. It took them over an hour to stabilise his condition and Tom wondered if they’d ever get the blood stains out of the carpet on the bridge.

The attack happened over six hours ago and there’d been no sign of the mystery ship since. They’d jumped to warp nine and high-tailed it out of the area, but were still on full tactical alert. In a way they’d been lucky, had the enemy ship decided to fire again, they would have been destroyed. Like so many instances here in the Delta Quadrant, they would probably never know who it was that had fired on them, but it just didn’t seem right that life could teeter so close to the brink all the time. It wore you out just thinking about it.

Tom stopped outside B’Elanna’s quarters, and an uncharacteristic stab of anger surged through him. Enough was enough. They’d had to endure so much over the last six years, Dell and Rogers were just two more names on a growing list of lost and it was just so… wrong.

B’Elanna was waiting for him when he arrived and without a word, he stepped into her open arms. They held each other and he slowly felt the anger ebb. All that was left was bone tiredness, a deep seated weariness and a hunger. He kissed her hard. She returned the kiss fiercely and, before they knew what was happening, they were naked and writhing on the floor of the living area making love, loudly and almost viciously. It was about banishing the demons of death and destruction and reaffirming life. They bit and tugged at one another, holding on as tight as they could, as if trying to crawl inside one another for safety, then pushing and shoving one another away they’d stare into each other’s eyes, and then pull close again. Afterwards, as they lay panting and sated in each others arms, B’Elanna spoke for the first time since he’d arrived. “How are they?”

He stroked her forehead and kissed her. “They’re going to be okay. It was touch and go there for a while with Chakotay.”

“How’s the Captain?”

“I don’t’ know. She didn’t look so good earlier. The Doc is going to send through the reports so I can deliver them and check up on her at the same time.” He snuggled into her arms. “I’m so sick of this B’E. You know, I don’t really think of it day to day, but when things like this happen, I just want to punch something. We shouldn’t have to go through this. Dell and Rogers shouldn’t be dead, Chakotay and Harry shouldn’t be lying in sickbay and the rest of us shouldn’t be sitting here waiting for the next round.”

B’Elanna soothed his brow with light strokes. “I know, but there’s nothing we can do about it. And at least we have each other. That’s one of the good things about being here. If we hadn’t been tossed out here to the ass end of the galaxy, we would never have met and I can’t imagine my life without you.”

Tom smiled. “You’re right. I can’t imagine mine without you either.” He smiled at her. “And I don’t want to.”

Tom kissed her gently and then his combadge chirped. _“Sickbay to Paris.”_

Finding his jacket he tapped the badge. “Paris here Doc.”

_“Mr Paris, I’m ready to send the reports through to your terminal.”_

“Can you send them to B’Elanna’s please, Doc?”

_“Done. The Commander is awake and already insisting on being released from sickbay. Mr Kim is a little slower to come around, but he is stable and improving. I’ve just checked on the Captain’s status, she’s in her ready room. I’d appreciate an update on her condition once you’ve delivered the reports.”_

“Understood, Doc. I’ll contact you as soon as I’ve seen her. Paris out.” Tom stood up and helped B’Elanna to her feet. “Duty calls.”

While the computer downloaded the information onto a padd, he got dressed and taking a deep breath, grabbed the padd, kissed B’Elanna and headed out the door.

Tom stopped at the Tactical station on his way to the ready room. “Is she still in there, Tuvok?”

Tom was given a grim nod. “How are the Commander and Mr Kim?”

“They’re going to be fine, but I just wanted to give the Captain an update.” He held up the padd to show Tuvok.

“A wise … precaution. She did not look… well earlier.”

Tom looked more closely at Tuvok and realised that the man understood a lot more than he ever gave him credit for. “I’ll let you know, Tuvok.”

After Tuvok gave him a slow nod, Tom jogged down the stairs and rang the chime on the Ready room door.

It slid open immediately and he found her sitting at her desk, surrounded by padds and empty coffee cups. She looked up at him distractedly and held out her hand. Her eyes going straight back to the screen in front of her.

Tom placed the padd in her hand, but held onto it as she tried to pull it away. She tugged at it once and then looked up at him. “Mr Paris, is there a problem?”

“Have you had any dinner, Captain?”

She glared at him. “Whether I’ve eaten or not is none of your concern, Lieutenant. Give me the padd, please?”

“The Doctor wanted me to make sure you had some food and that you hadn’t overdosed on caffeine. He won’t be pleased when I tell him what I found here.”

“Excuse me?” She gave him on of her ‘looks’. “Give me the padd and you’re dismissed.” Tom stood his ground, but she was not pleased. “I’d leave now Lieutenant. I’m not in the mood.”

He frowned at her. She was still wearing the blood stained uniform from earlier today and there was a smudge of blood on her cheek. Something wasn’t right. There was a brightness in her eyes that wasn’t normal. Tom looked a little closer. If he didn’t know better he would swear that she was in shock.

She was tugging on the padd but he still wouldn’t let it go. Why he was doing this, he didn’t know, but he just couldn’t help it. He knew that underneath that calm command façade was a shocked and terrified woman who had lost two crewmen and almost lost another two. One being the man she loved. She needed to at least admit that to herself.

He was determined to make her acknowledge it, no matter what the outcome, besides, he hadn’t been to the brig in a while. “I know you’re not in the mood, Captain, but I can tell you what it says. Harry is still unconscious, but stable and improving. Chakotay is awake and almost back to his old self. Pretty amazing considering he was dead for almost ten minutes.”

It was a cheap shot and Tom watched as she blanched, but she gathered herself, not letting the anguish show for too long. He had to admire her resilience, but her voice was less strident. “Thank you, Mr Paris. I’ll read the rest.”

He was on a roll now. “Dell and Rogers bodies have been beamed to the morgue and the Doctor will be autopsying them tomorrow. Chakotay and Harry were lucky. It could very easily have been them too.”

Kathryn blinked her eyes slowly and swallowed. She snatched the padd from Tom’s hand. The last thing she needed was to be reminded of how close they’d come to total disaster. Wasn’t she the one who had desperately clamped her hand over the pulsing artery in Chakotay’s neck? Every time she closed her eyes all she saw was blood. She could still feel the heat of it as squirted between her fingers as she tried to stem the flow. She’d straddled his body in a desperate attempt to stop the haemorrhage, but could still feel the dread as his life pumped out through her fingers with every beat of his heart. Blood was everywhere. It had taken ages to wash it off her hands. The horror had still been vivid in her mind as she’d watched the red stained water swirl down the drain in her bathroom.

Her hand shook as she activated the padd. She tried to hide her dismay as she read the report, but she could feel Tom’s eyes boring into her and they were tearing at her resolve.

She placed the padd beside her on the desk. “Thank you, Mr Paris. That will be all.”

In an uncharacteristic gesture, he moved around the side of the desk and placed his hand on her shoulder. It was stepping way over of line, but she seemed so distant that he knew he had to do something. He felt her stiffen. “Captain, are you sure you’re all right? Can I get you something to eat? I know the Commander won’t be happy if we let you starve while he’s in sickbay.”

She stood up abruptly, shaking off his hand and turned on him. “I’m fine and I said you were dismissed.” Lifting her hand, she pointed towards the door but as she did so her sleeve slipped back and they both stared at the dark streak of dried blood that covered her wrist and lower arm. Tom watched as her mouth opened and closed and then she looked at him in terror. Tears filled her eyes and her face crumpled.

Before he knew what he was doing, Tom pulled her into his arms and she collapsed against him.

He held her tight as she wept.

His heart ached for her as she shuddered in his arms. His Captain cried, great heaving sobs onto his chest.

He was going on instinct here. Not quite sure of what to do, he just held her.

As he was standing there, he heard the doors hiss open and a hand rested on his shoulder. A familiar voice whispered. “I’ll take it from here, Tom.”

Kathryn’s head snapped up at the sound of his voice and Tom slid away, moving to the door. He turned to see Chakotay gently wipe the tears and smudge of blood from her face before he pulled her into his arms. Her hand curled into the collar of his shirt and her other one grasped a handful of the back of his uniform jacket. Tom could see her shoulders shuddering as she held on tight and cried. Chakotay turned to Tom and gave him a nod of thanks. Tom nodded in return and then stepped through the doors.

He stood for a moment just outside the ready room and looked up at Tuvok. The Vulcan stood tall and stated. “The Commander is with her now. The crisis is over.”

Tom couldn’t help smiling. “I think you may be right, Tuvok. I think you just may be right.” Still smiling, Tom jogged up the steps and into the turbo lift to make his way back to B’Elanna. He tapped his combadge as he stepped into the lift. “Paris to Sickbay.”

_“Sickbay here Mr Paris.”_

“You released the Commander from Sickbay I see.”

_“I don’t know what they teach at Command school but more stubborn and resistant patients I’ve never met. Yes, he insisted.”_

Tom grinned. “Well, he was the perfect remedy for the captain and I don’t think it’s done him any harm either. Nice move, Doc.”

_“Hmmm, thank you Mr Paris.”_

In the ready room Chakotay stood stroking Kathryn’s hair and whispering quietly to her that everything would be all right. She slowly calmed and finally stepped away from him and wiped her eyes. Her voice was still husky with unshed tears. “I’m sorry, Chakotay. I’ve cried all over you.” She looked at his face. “How are you? You should sit down.”

He smiled gently. “I’m fine.”

Kathryn squeezed her eyes shut and tried to blot out the vision of his crumpled body lying in a heap on the floor of the bridge, white as death, with blood spurting from his neck – but it was seared into her memory. She shivered. “I can’t get the picture of you out of my mind. I thought I’d lost you.” Her voice hitched. “I’ve never seen so much blood and I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t think you could possibly survive.”

“Kathryn, I did survive and so did Harry.”

“But Dell and Rogers didn’t. God, Chakotay, how long do we have to do this. I’m so sick of it. I record the messages to their families, and it breaks my heart every time. I’ve got a whole file full of the damn things. It’s just so … so wrong.”

“Kathryn, there will always be losses on a mission like ours.”

_“Mission!?_ ” Her eyes opened wide. “This isn’t a mission, Chakotay. We just say that to appease my guilt. This is no _mission,_ it’s a frantic dash for safe harbour, dodging race after race of beings who want us dead, for no other reason than we exist. It’s a chaotic and blundering scramble to get back to the Alpha quadrant through some of the most treacherous territory any vessel has ever had to traverse. And who landed us out here, Chakotay? _Who?_ ” Kathryn’s voice had risen to a shrill yell.

Chakotay spoke in a quiet but decisive tone. “The Caretaker.”

Kathryn opened her mouth to disagree, but he placed his fingers on her lips and repeated his answer. “The Caretaker, Kathryn. He’s the reason we’re out here. Not you. Do you really think that anyone believes that you’re responsible? Because you’re not. This isn’t your fault and you have to start believing that.” He gripped her shoulders and looked at her intently. “You can’t control everything. No one can. Dell and Rogers deaths are the fault of that ship that fired on us without provocation. It wasn’t your doing. Can you please try to accept that?”

His hands dropped to his side and she took a reluctant step away from him shaking her head. “I can’t. I destroyed the array. I stranded us out here and it’s my responsibility to get you all home.”

“Yes, you destroyed the array, but you did the only thing that you could at the time. I would have done the same thing had I been in your place. And have you forgotten Kes. You saved all the Ocampans, but it still would have been worth it just to save her. I can guarantee that every single member of this crew would agree with that. Can you imagine your life without having known Kes? And besides Kathryn. We _are_ home. Voyager is our home.”

Kathryn shook her head. “Do you really believe that, Chakotay?”

“Yes, I do and so do most of the crew.”

“Most?”

“Kathryn, we’re a community and within any community there are always the few dissenters. You can’t be responsible for that either, and Kathryn, you will get them back to the Alpha Quadrant. In the meantime we just have to persevere.”

“I’m just so tired, Chakotay. I’m not sure I can do this anymore.”

He watched as her shoulders sagged, and the weariness and fatigue pressed her down. He took her hand in his. “Come. We need to sit down.” They walked hand in hand to the upper level of the room and Chakotay sat her down beside him, still with her hand held snugly in his.

“You’re right, Kathryn. We can’t do this anymore.”

Her head shot up and she stared at him and shook her head vigorously. “We don’t have a choice, Chakotay. Well, I certainly don’t. I promised to get them home.”

“What about you, Kathryn? Are you going to get home, because I have a terrible feeling that if you keep on like this, you’re going to perish along the way.”

“Does is really matter?”

His voice was quiet but intense, and his words, like a well aimed arrow, plunged right into her heart. “Yes. It’s _all_ that matters.” He ran his fingers over the back of her hand. “You see, if you don’t survive Kathryn, neither will I, and neither will they.”

Kathryn gave a derisive huff. “No pressure, huh? Thanks.” She looked past him and through the viewport to the black beyond. “There’s nothing left to give, Chakotay, I’m worn to the bone, stripped bare of my fortitude. My strength is gone.”

Chakotay watched as stroked over the lightly freckled skin on the back of her hand, his fingers following imaginary lines between each spot. Suddenly he looked up and held her gaze. “You’re right Kathryn, you can’t do this anymore. Certainly not like this. It’s killing us both.” He leant forward and kissed her gently on the lips. She gasped and he continued. “From now on we do this together, as partners in life as well as in command.”

Kathryn was speechless. Almost. “We can’t. Regulations state that….”

Again, he placed his fingers on her lips. “I know a few regulations too, you know. Tell me, Kathryn, what is the primary goal of any Starfleet officer in a life or death situation?”

Kathryn frowned in thought for a moment and then her eyes lit up and a ghost of a smile played around her mouth as she whispered. “Survival.”

He nodded. “As far as I can see, if the only way for us to survive is be together then we have an obligation to follow regulations.” He gave her a gentle smile. “You’d be saving my life as well.”

She reached up to stroke his cheek and her sleeve slid up her arm again, revealing the garish splash of dried blood. Kathryn’s breath hitched again as she stared at it. Chakotay took her arm and turned it over and studied the stain. He frowned and looked into her haunted eyes. “Come on. It’s time we took care of that too.”

She nodded and wiped at her eyes. He took her hand and tucked it into the crook of his arm and led her out of the ready room to the lift. Chakotay met Tuvok’s eyes as he walked past and gave him a barely perceptible nod. The Vulcan slowly bent his head in recognition. Understanding passed between the two men and Tuvok watched as the Commander and Captain stepped into the lift. He lowered his head to hide the ghost of a smile that hovered there.

At last.

Chakotay stopped in front of Kathryn’s quarters and tapped in her door code. She gave him a look and he shrugged, answering her unasked question. “I’ve known since the first week.”

Her eyebrows shot up, but she didn’t say anything as they walked into her darkened quarters.

They came to a halt just inside the doors and Chakotay turned towards her. “Computer, lights at fifty percent and fill bath, usual settings.”

Again Kathryn looked at him. He cupped her face between his hands. “We start afresh, Kathryn. I can’t do this anymore either. I need to be with you. I don’t want to die without telling you that I love you, or having touched you and made love to you.”

Tears shimmered in her eyes again and she raised her hands to cover his, pulling his hand towards her mouth and kissing his palm. “I don’t want to do that either. I love you too. Thank you and please don’t ever do that again.”

He smiled gently. “I’ll try not to.” Clasping her hand in his, he pulled her towards the bathroom. She followed gladly.

They stood face to face in front of the large tub. Steam swirled around them, misting up the mirror, and turning their reflections to a dark blur. Kathryn stood on her tip toes and kissed him. “I don’t know what I’d do without you but I do know we can do this.”

Chakotay quirked his brow. “I don’t have a doubt in the world.” He unzipped her blood stained jacket and tossed it on the floor, then pulled her tee and tank over her head.

“My turn.” Kathryn whispered, as she unzipped his jacket letting it drop to the floor on top of hers. She then pulled his tee from his pants and hauled it over his head. His broad expanse of chest was right in front of her, and she lifted her eyes to see the fine line of a scar running from below his ear to his collar bone. Her eyes closed and opened slowly and lifting her hand she ran her fingers along the faint mark. It would fade entirely within a few days, but the memory would be with her forever. Such a fine line between life and death, her belly quivered with the thought. Leaning forward she placed a gentle kiss on the scar then stepped back. He touched where her lips had been and smiled.

Without taking her eyes from his, she reached behind her back and undid her bra, letting it slide down her arms and off. She kicked it onto the growing pile of discarded clothing.

Chakotay reached down and undid her pants, and taking a step closer, slid his hands down over her hips and down the back of her pants, his eyes still riveted to hers. As he kneaded her buttocks he pushed her pants down over her hips.

Kathryn reached for the clasp on his pants, but before she could remove them, he began to work his way down her body with his lips. He kissed her mouth, her neck and shoulders and nipped and sucked his way down her chest. His tongue darted out and flicked Kathryn’s erect nipples making her gasp. It was barely a touch, but it sent a jolt lancing straight to her groin.

Her breathing became erratic as she watched him make love to her with his lips and tongue. Her pants were around her ankles and after pressing a warm kiss to her mound, he stood and slid his hand between her legs and cupped her sex. Kathryn closed her eyes and groaned as she felt the warm rush of moisture and the heat of want as he slid two fingers just inside her opening. He held her like that for a moment, kissing her lips sweetly and then pulled his hand away. Kathryn frowned at the feeling of loss. But before she could utter a word, he hoisted her onto the counter beside her wash basin and kneeling in front of her he removed her boots and socks, and then slipped her pants over her feet, discarding them on the pile of clothing.

He stood in front of her and met her eyes. Although she was the one who wasn’t wearing any clothes, the look in his eyes was naked. His love and need, his want and his vulnerabilities were all there, displayed plainly for her to see. He was at her mercy and it brought fresh tears to her eyes to know that he trusted her so profoundly with his heart and soul. She raised her hand to his face and pulled him towards her, kissing him deeply. “I love you, Chakotay. With all my heart.”

He gasped and moved towards her, whispering against her lips. “You are my heart, Kathryn.” Then he kissed her and pulled her against him. The shock of bare flesh on flesh set her heart racing and her hands grasped at his shoulders, holding him tight and safe against her. They remained like that for several minutes until he gently eased out of her frantic grasp and lifted her blood stained arm to his lips, kissing first her hand and then her forearm. Reaching for a washcloth, he ran warm water in the sink and dampened the cloth. Cradling her arm gently against his body, he carefully washed away the dried blood. Neither spoke a word as all evidence of the days near tragedy swirled down the drain. Discarding the cloth, he slid his arms under her knees and his other arm around her shoulders and lifted her from the counter and into the tub.

He bathed her.

Kathryn couldn’t drag her eyes away from his face as he set about his task with such a heart wrenching gentleness. First he lifted each of her arms from the water and after squeezing some soap onto a sponge, washed each hand carefully, then kissing her wrists; he swept the sponge up each arm and over her shoulders. He set the sponge aside for a few moments and Kathryn closed her eyes as he massaged her shoulders. Memories came surging back of that far away planet and those wonderful feelings of burgeoning love. His hand swept down her back, pressing his way along her spine and then he picked up the sponge again.

He did the same with each of her legs. Lifting them one at a time from the water and washing her toes and her feet and then sweeping the soapy sponge up over her calves and her thighs. She watched him intently and waited for him to touch her intimately, but he didn’t. Again he put the sponge aside and massaged her feet for a few moments. Kathryn was in a stupor of arousal. He was being so sweet and so tender. “Chakotay.” She whispered. His eyes flicked up to hers. “Thank you.”

He leant forward and kissed her forehead. “I’m not finished yet.”

Kathryn gave him a gentle smile and lay back, waiting for him. Her body thrumming with want.

He put more soap on the sponge and began washing her front. Her chest, her breasts, her abdomen and discarding the sponge again his hand stroked down over her belly under the water. Kathryn closed her eyes and her breaths became ragged as he combed his fingers through her pubic hair. She could feel the telltale tightness of impending orgasm grip at her muscles. He leaned forward and kissed her as his fingers slid inside her with that slow assuredness that made her reel.

It had been a slow spiral towards the precipice, but as his thumb pressed against her clit, her climax slammed into her. With a silent gasp she arched out of the water, her hands gripping the side of the bath and her lower body thrusting towards his invading hand. He slowly pulled his fingers from her gripping vagina and cupped her sex until the pulsing slowed and then he stroked her gently until her orgasm subsided.

She smiled at him. “Thank you.”

He grinned. “My pleasure.”

She raised her eyebrows. “And that’s something we have to take care of right now. Are you coming in?”

With a smile he removed the rest of his clothing and stepped into the bath. She scooted forward and he lowered himself into the water. Sliding back against him, she rested against his chest. His arms wrapped around her and he kissed her neck.

She squirmed against him and his erection nestled against her lower back. Wriggling again she turned her head towards him and draped her arm around his neck. She twisted around and pulled him towards her, kissing him deeply and then pulled away slightly and whispered against his lips. “I love you.”

He smiled and as he kissed his way along her shoulders. She shivered as he mumbled against her. “I love you too.”

She began to undulate against him and moving her hand behind her to grip him, she stroked up and down his length, her thumb rubbing across the head of his penis. He gasped in her ear. “Kathryn, I’ll come.”

She smiled. “Good.” As she continued her ministrations.

He gripped her around the waist and stilled her hand. “Not like this. Together.”

Kathryn let go of him and stepped out of the tub. “You don’t have to ask me twice.”

He smiled and she took his hand and helped haul him from the bath.

Her eyes softened as she looked at him. “Are you well enough to do this?”

She towelled him dry as he answered. “The Doctor gave me a clean bill of health but advised that I should get a good night’s sleep, if that was possible. He did, however, send me to you, so I think we were manoeuvred. Is that a problem, Kathryn?”

She shook her head and handed him a towel. He gently swiped it over her body as she whispered. “Yesterday it might have been, but not today. We’ve been through too much. All of us. My adherence to protocols seems so petty in light of what happened today. I love you, I need you and I don’t want to feel that sense of helplessness ever again. It was soul destroying.”

He nodded. “Never again, Kathryn. Together from now on.” With that he swept her into his arms and carried her to the bedroom.

They fell onto the bed and made love until the early hours of the morning.

They were woken by the insistent chiming of Kathryn’s door. She slid out of bed and pulled her dressing gown on before shuffling blearily across her living area and calling for the doors to open. The Doctor strode in carrying his ‘house call’ bag.

“Good morning, Captain. I see you’re up. Excellent.”

Kathryn rubbed her eyes and swept her hair out of her face. “Doctor, what are you doing here? It’s only 0530.”

He thumped his bag down on her table and pulled out his medical scanner. “I’m here to check on the Commander. The early bird catches the worm… so to speak.”

Kathryn was standing there looking daggers at him and as he caught her look, his smug smile faded and he stammered. “Not… not that I think the Commander is a worm, or has worms… or any other sort of infestation for that matter. I just thought that I’d get his check up … out…” His voice started to fade under her withering glare. “…of the way… early.” He stood still in front of her and then turned back to his bag and placed the scanner back inside. Clipping it shut, he gave her a pathetic smile. “I can, of course, come back later, if that is more convenient?”

Kathryn didn’t bother answering, and was turning back towards the bedroom only to find Chakotay leaning against the door jamb, looking equally bleary.

The Doctor clapped his eyes on him. “Ah, Commander, you’re up too. How fortuitous.” He pulled the tricorder from his bag again and stalked towards his patient. Kathryn met Chakotay’s gaze over the top of the Doctor’s head. She rolled her eyes and Chakotay gave her a shrug.

The Doctor ummed and ahhed for a few minutes and then snapped the tricorder shut with a flourish. “You’re as good as new, Commander. I’m sure you’re both pleased to hear that.” He was looking back and forth between his commanding officers wearing a familiar smug smile.

Kathryn gritted her teeth. “Are you finished, Doctor?”

“Yes, Captain. All done.”

“Fine. In that case, you’re dismissed.”

The Doctor took a split second to grasp what she was saying and then jolted into action. “Ah, yes of course, Captain. I’ll leave you to get some more ‘sleep’.” He gave her a knowing grin that Tom would have been proud of.

She blinked slowly, taking a deep breath. This was something she would have to nip in the bud right now. “Doctor, I would like to think you had the good sense to keep the Commander’s presence in my quarters to yourself for the time being. I’m sure you’re aware of the ramifications of breaking protocols and we…” She looked towards Chakotay, and smiled slightly, “don’t want to become the main topic of the rumour mill here on the ship.” She then looked pointedly at the doctor again. “I know I can trust your discretion in this matter.”

The Doctor looked indignant for a moment. “Captain, I would never speak out of turn or undermine your authority. Your secret is safe with me. Not a word.” He picked up his case and moved towards the door but turned just before he triggered the opening mechanism. “But Captain and Commander, may I say that I’m so very pleased for you both? It is indeed something that the crew has wished for, for a very long time and I’m sure you will be very happy.”

Kathryn and Chakotay looked at each other, and then nodded towards the Doctor. Kathryn spoke. “Thank you, Doctor. I can assure you that we are.”

The Doctor smiled. “I am pleased to hear that. Oh, and Captain, you and the Commander have the day off. I’ve spoken to Mr Tuvok and arrangements have already been made. I’m sure that he will send a report through later.” He marched out the door and threw over his shoulder as he stepped into the corridor. “Have a restful day.”

The doors slid shut behind the EMH and Kathryn and Chakotay looked towards one another. Kathryn had a feeling that there was a conspiracy at work, but just for the moment she didn’t care. Chakotay was alive and well, they were safe for the time being and this was the first day of their new life together. She moved over to him and without hesitation, slid into his arms. It was wonderful to know that she could avail herself of his strong embrace whenever she wanted or needed. Her head rested against his chest and she snuggled into his warmth. “I need more sleep.”

He huffed out a laugh and she felt him nod against her head. Draping his arm over her shoulder he led her back into the bedroom and silently undid the tie on her dressing gown. He slid it from her shoulders and let it pool at her feet before he ran his fingers over her nipples again and smiled. “I can’t stop touching you. Do you think we could run the ship from your quarters? That way we could just stay naked.”

Kathryn pretended to give the idea some thought. “The idea has merit.” She stepped forward and slid her hand down the front of Chakotay’s pants. “It would certainly make the staff meetings interesting.”

Chakotay screwed up his face at that idea. “No, on second thoughts, lets just leave the nakedness for when we’re alone. I have no intention of sharing you.” He gasped as she squeezed him and he looked at her with raised brows. “I thought you wanted to sleep.”

She pushed his pants over his hips then took his hand and pulled him towards the bed. “Captain’s prerogative. I’ve changed my mind.”

“Now there’s a surprise. Oooomph!” He grunted as she pushed him backwards onto the bed and straddled his thighs. Looking up at her he fluttered his eye lashes. “Be gentle, won’t you.” His face broke into a dimpled smile.

Kathryn grinned and leant forward to take his lips in a warm wet kiss. She nipped his full lower lip and whispered against him. “Always.”

The following morning Kathryn sat at her desk, reading the Doctor’s report on the deaths of Crewmen Dell and Rogers. They’d both been killed instantly when a power coupling had exploded in engineering. They hadn’t suffered and for that small mercy, she was grateful. She closed her eyes for a moment and released a slow breath. Messages would have to be written and sent to their families and their funerals would be held this evening. Chakotay was organising the services with the help of the two crewmen’s friends. It was always a difficult time for the entire crew when they lost one of their own, but it was also at times like this that Kathryn felt most proud of her crew… her family. They rallied and supported one another in these times of grief just as they did in times of peril and times of joy. They were an extraordinary group of individuals and she was honoured to be their commanding officer. With that thought uppermost in her mind, she opened her desktop console and began to compose the messages to her lost crewmen’s families.

An hour later, the messages were logged and ready to be sent with the next data stream to Starfleet and, with a sigh, Kathryn rose from the desk and made her way to the replicator. Ordering herself a coffee, she stood, looking out the viewport at the stars as they streaked by – splashes of rainbow against the black backdrop of space. She took a deep draught of her coffee and closed her eyes, savouring the bitter brew and letting it warm her from the inside.

This time yesterday she’d been doing much the same thing, but instead of this wonderful sense of contentment that had now settled deep within her, she’d been filled with a terrible feeling of impending doom and had been holding herself together by pure will power alone. What a difference one day can make.

She and Chakotay had spent their day off in her quarters – naked … she smiled at the memory – but they’d also talked and put to rest many of the ghosts that had haunted them both over the years of this journey. They’d made love numerous times and finished up sleeping, wrapped in one another’s arms until her alarm had woken them this morning. She couldn’t remember a night, since this odyssey had begun, when she’d slept so peacefully.

They’d breakfasted together, a simple meal of cereal and toast, but the normality of the whole ritual, was so heart warming. They’d left her quarters together and arrived on the bridge together and not a single word had been said by anyone.

Reports had been given and she’d handed over the bridge to Chakotay before coming in here to the ready room. It was the same as it had always been. There was no discernable change in anyone’s attitudes or demeanour and she knew that most of the crew would have to have heard about the change in hers and Chakotay’s relationship. It did her heart good to know that they could be so accepting.

She tossed back the last mouthful of her coffee and placed the cup in the recycler. Turning to make her way back to her desk, she stopped as her door chimed. “Come.”

Tom walked into the room. “Good morning, Captain. I have the Con and Ops reports. The Commander asked me to bring them to you. He’s still finishing the summaries for Engineering and Tactical.”

Kathryn moved behind her desk and held out her hand for the reports. Tom placed them in her hand and held them again for just a split second as she pulled them from his grip. It was enough to make her to look up at him in question. “Not again, Mr Paris?” Her look was stern but her eyes sparkled with gentle humour.

Tom smiled. “No, not again, Captain, but I just wanted to say, it’s good to see you looking so well…” he turned part way around and nodded towards the doors. “and the big guy.”

Kathryn nodded and moved back around the desk to stand in front of her helm officer. She could see a shadow of doubt flash in Tom’s eyes, wondering if he’d overstepped the boundaries and was about to get a bollocking. She let him stew for a heartbeat longer and then stood on her tip toes and kissed his cheek. “Thank you for yesterday, Tom. I truly appreciate what you did.”

Tom’s face split into a wide grin. “Anytime you need a good cry, just let me know, Captain. I’m happy to oblige.” He frowned and Kathryn gave him a wry look. Tom blushed. “That didn’t come out quite how I intended.”

Kathryn shook her head and patted his arm, her face beaming a wide grin. “No, Tom. I think you pretty much summed it up.” She held up the padds he’d just given her, “Thank you for these,” then nodded towards the doors as she sat down behind her desk. “If that’s all…?”

“Uh, yes Ma’am.” He turned, then spun around again. “Captain?”

Kathryn looked up.

“B’Elanna and I were wondering if you and Chakotay would like to join us on the holodeck tonight after the memorial services. We thought a nice quiet meal at a new Italian restaurant I found would help us to unwind.” He was looking at her face, trying to read her expression. “That’s if you and the Commander are free.”

Kathryn panicked for a nanosecond and then dismissed the feeling and smiled. It would be nice to be normal and do normal things like have dinner as a couple, with another couple. “That sounds lovely, Tom. What time?”

She could see Tom almost collapse with relief. “1900. Outside holodeck two?”

Kathryn nodded. “Wonderful, we’ll see you then.”

“Yes, Ma’am.” He triggered the doors but stepped aside as Chakotay came through carrying several more padds. Tom nodded to Chakotay and exited, jogging up the stairs to take his place back at the helm.

Chakotay took a seat opposite Kathryn at the desk and placed the padds on the small pile to her left. She gave him a mock frown. “Thanks so much.”

He chuckled. “Anytime.”

They sat smiling at one another for a minute or two, and then Kathryn stood and moved up to the upper level. “Coffee? Tea?”

Chakotay followed. “Tea, please.”

Kathryn handed Chakotay his cup. “How are the services for Dell and Rogers coming along?”

Chakotay took a seat, and stared at his cup. “They’re all ready. Gary Parsons is doing the eulogy for Dell and Vivian Harper is speaking for Rogers.”

“How are the crew?”

“Worn out and in shock, but rallying as they always do. Are you all right?”

Kathryn nodded. “I’m fine…” He opened his mouth to speak but she lifted her hand and placed her fingers over his lips. “I really am. I’m sad and so sorry for what happened, but I’m okay. Your arguments were very convincing.”

He held her hand and kissed her fingertips. “And here I was thinking it was my bathing techniques.”

“Oh, they were very convincing as well.” She stared into space for a moment then muttered. “Very convincing.”

Chakotay cast a sideways glance at her and smiled, and still holding her hand in his, rested back against the couch

They sat side by side, with their drinks, and an easy silence settled over them.

Kathryn finally turned towards Chakotay, slipping her hand from his. “How do you feel about Italian?”

Chakotay raised his eyebrows. “People or food?” He grinned. “To be honest, I’m more partial to Irish… captains, that is.”

Kathryn rolled her eyes. “Nice try. Don’t give up your day job.” She cradled her mug between her hands, they were shaking a little. “Tom has invited us to have dinner on the holodeck with him and B’Elanna this evening after the services. The restaurant is Italian.” Kathryn studied his face. “You didn’t put him up to this, did you?”

“Would I do something like that?”

Kathryn almost choked on her coffee. “Are you asking me if you’re capable of lying and manipulating to get me to relax…?” She laughed. “Oh I think so, Commander. More than capable.”

Chakotay held his hands up in denial. “Okay, guilty as charged, _but…_ I’m innocent this time. I think it’s a great idea….” He studied her face, a little unsure of her reaction. “What do you think?”

Kathryn’s mouth twisted into a crooked smile. “I said we’d love to join them.” She shrugged. “Tom’s invitation did send me into a panic for a split second, but I quickly realised that I’ve just got to get past letting fear of what the crew think dictate my life. There are things that I’m much more afraid of. Losing you for one and, after yesterday, I don’t ever want to feel that sort of regret again.”

“I can’t promise anything, Kathryn. We have no idea what lies ahead, but if it’s within my power, I won’t ever leave you.”

She nodded. “I know that, my love. Thank you.”

Smiling at each other they sat back and, in comfortable silence, drank their coffee and tea.

The services for Dell and Rogers were sad affairs with tears shed by those closest to the crewmen, and comfort and support lent by others. Kathryn spoke briefly and after honouring them one last time, Chakotay gave the nod. With all eyes turned towards the view ports, their remains were sent into space. Kathryn closed her eyes as a shudder passed through her at the thought that it could very well have been Chakotay’s body that they were casting into the black unknown. She sought his hand and knowing what her thoughts were, he squeezed it tight. She squeezed back then taking a deep breath, she let go and approached the mourners to give support and solace.

Chakotay watched her carefully and, after about half an hour, she left to return to her quarters.

Chakotay stayed for a while longer and then discreetly followed her. Her door opened on his approach and he did a double take. She must have programmed it to recognise him. “Kathryn?” The door swished shut behind him.

“In here.”

He walked into the bedroom just as she emerged from the bathroom. She was in her dressing gown, still slightly damp from her shower and he took a deep breath of her as she stepped into his arms. He held her tight. “You okay?”

She nodded against him. “I had my cry in the shower and I’m okay now. I’m looking forward to this evening.”

Chakotay pulled back a little to look at her face. Her eyes were a little red but no one else would notice. He kissed her. “Do you always do that?”

Kathryn frowned. “What?”

“Cry in the shower.”

She shrugged and turned, glancing at the bathroom door and then back at him. “That shower has seen its share of tears over the years and will most likely see a lot more.”

He stroked his fingers down the side of her face. “You could always have come to me, you know.” He raised his brow. “Broad shoulders.”

Kathryn placed her hand on his shoulder and smiled lovingly. “I know, but I couldn’t. Surely you understand. My grief and guilt have been such close companions for so many years, it’s going to take some time to break those habits.” Cupping his cheek with her hand, she grinned. “I’m going to try though.”

Pulling her into a tight hug he whispered against her hair. “That’s all I ask.” He felt her body relax into his and he was overcome with the desire to protect her and keep her safe from harm. A foolish thought considering this was Kathryn Janeway he was thinking of, but the urge was strong. He closed his eyes and imagined that he could, for just a moment. Then she pushed against him and pulled out of his arms.

“We’d better get ready. I don’t want to be late for my first date in over six years.” She gave him a gentle shove. “And you can’t be late either. That would be very bad form and Tom wouldn’t ever let you live it down.”

Chakotay chuckled. “Okay, I’m going. I’ll be back to pick you up in a few minutes.” He pecked her on the nose and turned to leave.

He was about half way to the door when she called. “Chakotay.”

He swung around and watched her take a few steps towards him, finally leaning against the frame of her bedroom door. “Thank you for everything.”

Smiling broadly his eyes lit with love. “Anytime. Just remember, my life belongs to you, Kathryn.” Their eyes held for a time and then he jolted into action. “I’ll see you soon.” And with that he turned again and strode through the doors.

Kathryn stood for a minute or two after the doors had hissed shut behind him, and contemplated the closed doors. Life had taken a dramatic turn in the last twenty four hours. It was a change that was long overdue and, if she was truly honest with herself, one that would probably save her. His life might very well belong to her, but hers equally belonged to him. She wasn’t a woman who liked to think of herself as needing anybody, but she was enough of a pragmatist to realise that she needed Chakotay and the beauty of the whole thing was that he needed her too. A perfect match. With a happy sigh, she moved back into her bedroom to get dressed.

Chakotay was true to his word, it wouldn’t have been more than ten minutes later that the door opened and he entered dressed in civilian clothes, carrying a rose.

Her voice came from the bedroom. “Chakotay, I need a hand here.”

With the rose twirling in his fingers, he entered her room. Kathryn was standing in front of her dressing table putting on her lipstick. She smiled at his reflection. “Could you zip me up, please?”

He walked up behind her and hugged her, her back to his front and he handed her the rose as he contemplated their reflection in the mirror. They looked good together. Kathryn ran the soft petalled flower along her cheek and smiled her thanks. Sweeping her hair to the side he kissed her neck. She tilted her head to the side and moaned. Chakotay looked up at her with an evil grin.

Giving him a mock glare she shoved him back with her bottom. “Zipper please, or we’ll never get there.”

“I’m sure Tom and B’Elanna would understand.”

Kathryn rolled her eyes. “That’s my point. They’d understand all too well. We’re still their commanding officers you know.”

Chakotay ran his finger up the bare skin of her back and watched in delight as she trembled and her skin prickled into goose flesh. He met her eyes in the mirror and as he pulled up the zipper, and smiled. “That’s something that I never forget, my captain.”

She quirked an eyebrow and fought to keep a straight face. None too successfully. “Why do I get the feeling you don’t really mean that?”

He ran his hands down her arms and kissed her neck again and whispered into her ear. “Because as much as I admire and adore my captain, I’ve been in love with Kathryn for years and that’s who I see when I look at you. What I do, I do for the woman I love. I will follow your orders and be the best first officer I can be, but it is you, Kathryn, whom I’ll always love.”

“I’m not two people, Chakotay.”

He turned her around and held her shoulders, looking her in the eye. “I know that, but in essence we’re all more than one person. Chakotay and the Commander are different and I acknowledge that. It’s to protect ourselves and the Captain has been protecting Kathryn for many years. I’d like to help with that job.” His eyes softened. “I’m a willing worker.”

Kathryn smiled and nodded. “Consider yourself employed, although, I have the feeling you’ve been doing that job for all these years without any recognition or thanks. I did realise, you know and I appreciate it, my love.”

“It was always my pleasure, Kathryn. Always.” He kissed her gently.

She smiled at him when they parted and used her thumb to wipe her lipstick from his lips. Chakotay grabbed her hand and kissed her fingers and Kathryn could feel the tingle and throb of want beginning in her belly. She was drifting closer to him, desire billowing but just before their lips met again, Chakotay’s combadge chirped. Kathryn laughed.

He tapped it hard. “Chakotay here.”

_“Hey old man, where are you. The antipasto is getting warm.”_

Kathryn rolled her eyes as Chakotay answered. “We’re on our way, B’Elanna.”

_“Well, you better hurry or Tom will have drunk all the Chianti.”_

Kathryn laughed and quickly grabbing her throw, took Chakotay’s proffered arm and together they walked out the door.

Kathryn threw a quick glance behind her as the doors closed on her quarters and she thought to herself that it signalled the closure of one phase of her life here on Voyager and the beginning of a new and better one, with her best friend and lover by her side forever.

She clutched his arm close and he smiled down at her. “Are you ready for this, Kathryn?”

She took a deep breath and smiled letting out a sing song, “Oh, yes.” Her eyes glittered with love as she looked up at him and as the doors of the turbo lift opened on deck six, she tugged his arm and they stepped out of the lift and into their future.

- _End_ -


End file.
